Today for some reason my mind wanders to the past! The words
“I don’t care for your tears anymore” are pinching me harder than I thought!
I was in my 2 month. Heights of nausea and giddiness and
fatigue! I never thought I will feel so disabled ever! There was not a single
day that went without taunting about my inability work. Well all I could do….let
me correct…..all I did was ignore. Yes there were better things I could have
done. It reached a pinnacle when my MIL asked me to go to my mom’s place. It
was her territory now!! Of course she defended by saying I meant to go and come
bak! As usual I chose not to reply. I silently packed 2-3 sets of my clothes
and set off to work.
My husband was supposed to drop me daily coz medically I was
on alarm not to use Autos and Bus for a while (in fact was advised bed rest).
On my way there was a fight (which had almost become a routine). But today my
husband had to prove….what I have no idea. When he felt I wasn’t giving in he
banged the steering wheel and in the middle of a high traffic road the car
swung left right…..like in movies!!!!! My heart jumped for the little life in
me!! My eyes shot red and my cheeks as hot as I ever felt!! The mother in me
rose and I commanded for the car to be stopped immediately. The furious voice…..i
don’t think I have heard myself ever this hard before! He parked. I walked out
of the car and grabbed my bag and started to walk ignoring his abusing words shouting
at me. I caught an auto nearby. Once in and felt safe….tears ran down without a
hold. I was terrified of…..what if….?!! NOOOOO!!! My angel trusts me and I am
the protector! I was not scared of my life as much as I was scared for her! I
want to live…Live safe!!
After work I went to mom’s place. The doors were always open
for me. I am so blessed to have such god like parents!! Days rolled. 2 weeks
and never heard from him! One fine day there was a call. Not to me…to my dad
from him. When I heard what he had told my dad…..I broke down!!! I was staying away from him all these days here I was who will be staying WITHOUT him now on!!!
After learning my company doesn’t insure me for maternity he had called my
father to say he will not be paying the hospital bills of his first baby!!!! He
can help us by paying what might his company insure him but not a pie from his
pocket! What kind of a man would ever say something like this????
My dad will give me his life and I have learnt from him to give
my Angel my life! I picked up myself and first thing I went thru my savings in
cash, which was very petite. I had to now save every penny I earn! I thought
worst case I will sell my wedding ornaments and release my FD! This was my life time
saving. I have my vehicle I can sell for half rate now. I gained some
confidence that I could survive on my own for a year n half. Now past 1.6 yrs….I will
do the needful!
His words when I Questioned him why shud my dad pay for our
baby…. “coz u r the bride” pricked me so hard!! I so much wanted a daughter who
will reply to him one day….daughter is a tigress not your scapegoat!! I was not
gonna tear my father’s retirement life money or my sister’s wedding budget. They
have been thru my life and have heard my emotions as loud as I have felt them!!
They have turned black for every pinch I have sustained! Now I had to be a
lioness to womb a Lion or princess Lioness!
Everyday I mourn but I stand with heads high for the
strength my Angel has filled in me! There were days when I mourned that I cant
even bid a goodbye when I am responsible for a life in me now….and I wanted to
be there when he/she looks back to lean on just like my parents were with me.
But I soon jumped out of this! No, this is not quite the emotion I want to pass
on to my baby…my love!! I forced myself to daydream of luxury, fun, happiness,
educative, virtuous, strong , independent safe life!! Was not easy! Its been a
month and I have not heard from him at all! It feels like he has found his
cocoon just like I have found my baby!
When I go to the scans and see your cute little hands and
legs and see u suck ur thumb just like I used to in my baby days……I pity him!!
What a pity he is missing the most amusing and lovely creation!!!!!!! An image
of God growing in me!
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